TSA's new pat-down procedure involves a good grope

[Ddrak]

link

Looks like it's going to be the new hot job...

Dd

[Torakus]

I almost peed myself reading that. I am definitely going to opt for the pat down and since I am not ghey I will be asking that a female officer do the deed. Wonder how they will react to that?

[Ddrak]

I wonder if you tell them you are gay if it means they have to assign a female officer? That could be crazy funny.

Dd

[Partha]

Jeff Goldberg? Giant douche.

[Arathena]

Of course, screening passengers and not the cargo is all a part of Theatrical Security Administration.

[Torakus]

I was selected for dick measurement yesterday. I probably brought this upon myself by arriving way too early for my flight and spending over an hour observing and taking notes on who was being selected for dick measurement. Here are some of my observations.

1) The person making the selections (at the screening point I observed) was a woman.
2) She did not explain what the device was. She simply made sure that the persons pockets were completely empty.
3) Every passenger selected for dick measurement was male. Makes sense right?
4) Every passenger selected for dick measurement was white. I failed to collect complete data on how many non-white people passed through the check point, so am not sure this is statistically significant, but thought the Tea Party should know anyway.
5) No passenger of mid-eastern (based on my best guess at ethnicity) descent was selected for dick measurement.
6) Only one passenger in over an hour refused to have their dick measured.
7) It appears that the person viewing the dicks is not in the same area, but is in direct voice communication with one of the 3 TSA employees it takes at the screening point to run the dick measuring process.

On average the process seemed to take a little bit longer than just going through the metal detector. Almost everyone had a sour look on their face that numerous people were moving their carry on items, including wallets and jewelry around to get to their own items.

Being the good guinea pig that I am, I first asked the person making the selection a couple questions:

Me - "What is this thing you want me to step into?"
Selector - "Please read the sign", like telling me its a dick measuring device is going to interrupt her dick selection process.
Me - "Why was I selected to go through this whole body imager?"
Selector - "You were selected at random". Would it have been hard to say, "Sir you are a big fat guy, with a bald head and long goatee who has been observing the security check point for over an hour." would have hurt her.
Me - "Really? At random? Do you really think that works?" - I really didn't expect a response and I got what I expected.
Me - "Well anyway, this sign says that I can refuse, so I think I will refuse."
Selector - "Very well sir, please step through the machine, the agent on the other side will show you to another room for screening."
Me - "Wait a minute. Is there a way I can pass around the machine? I would rather not walk through it."
Selector - "Sir, are your going to be difficult?"
Me - "Yes"

The silly back and forth continued until a supervisor came over to escort me through the metal detector (which beeped wildly for him and remained painfully quiet for me) and off to a side room for my groping. About 5 minutes after arriving at this room (approximately 5 times longer than it would have taken to just go through the damn machine) my potential groper enters the room. I note to the supervisor that I am not comfortable with this 20 something, but rather good looking man patting me down, especially after reading about how intimate the pat down can get and could they please find me a young or if not young at least moderately attractive female to do the pat down. At this time I was informed that if I continued to be difficult, that "things would go bad for me". I spent a couple more minutes trying to find out what "bad for me" and "things" really meant and then decided to let the young TSA "Agent" get his grope on since it didn't look like I was going to get felt up by any TSA chicks. The groping took another 5 minutes, and after the groping the groper and supervisor apparently are required to have a private meeting to discuss the results of the groping for another 3 minutes. So after close to 20 minutes I am finally told that "You are good to go man". It was sure nice to find that my laptop, smart phone and wallet had been left unattended in their bins at the end of the conveyor for that whole time.

The dick measuring machine does not bother me that much, but I can see how it might be considered a bit too intrusive to others. What I have a problem with is the selection process for who goes through it. If we are going to use these machines, lets go all the way and profile the right people. White, male, frequent fliers are not the demographic that are blowing shit up. Why are they the ones getting scanned at the highest rate?

[Kulaf]

If we are going to use these machines, lets go all the way and profile the right people. White, male, frequent fliers are not the demographic that are blowing shit up. Why are they the ones getting scanned at the highest rate?

Because the aging hippie liberal douches won't let the pissed off white trash redneck conservatives profile people.

[Fallakin Kuvari]

Only 1 thing you should've done differently. You should've refused to go to a "private" room.

[Embar Angylwrath]

If the Republicans really wanted to thwack Jim Napolitano and the Obama admin, they'd use this complete privacy invasion for the sake of theater as a tool to do so.

[Ddrak]

Torakus,

I gotta say - that was pure brilliance.

Dd