NY Gov. Spitzer tied to prostitution ring

[Harlowe]

I'm not sure what stats he's talking about the University of Chicago study indicated this...I'll dig for the source.

Many couples that go through extramarital affairs end up staying together for their children's sake. Marriage experts say that the real test begins after the affair is over.
* Only 35 percent of unions survive an extramarital affair.
* 65 percent of marriages break up because of adultery
Nothing can destroy a marriage faster than extramarital affairs and marital infidelity.

That's a pretty good indication that no, more than half the people break up.

[Embar Angylwrath]

I'd like to read that study, Harlowe. A link would be helpful.

Most of my information comes from authors in the field of couples counseling specializing in infidelity. Google Peggy Vaughn and Lorie Teagno. Admittedly, there is a dearth of information which seems to meet the scientific rigors of statistical analysis, but absent that, all I have to rely on is consesnus within the field of experts.

[Harlowe]

What makes counselors the experts on actual statistics and studies? It's like claiming a field of self-help authors/counselors are actual experts on human nature. Peggy Vaughn is a self-help person for affairs, she doesn't have any credentials other than her husband cheated on her and she appears to be making it her life's work to help couples get over it by claiming it's common and everyone recovers from it. She's one of those self-help gurus with a site called DearPeggy.com. She wrote the Monogamy Myth. It's not scientific at all.

You guys can Google it "The Social Organization on Sexuality" Study by the Univ of Chicago, it was published and is considered the most comprehensive and important study since Kinsey. Since it's a published study it's not something that is posted on the net in it's entirety (at least I can't find the full book), but it is referenced all over in articles and studies on sexuality and relationships as source or reference material.

http://cloud9.norc.uchicago.edu/faqs/sex.htm

http://www.press.uchicago.edu/cgi-bin/h ... /12747.ctl

http://sociology.uchicago.edu/people/fa ... mann.shtml

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_q ... _n13641677

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/artic ... 95,00.html

Marriage Counselors are most likely going to want to site material that would support that it happens all the time and most people stay together in an effort to help the couple get over it.

They really aren't the experts on the facts and scientific studies, their job is to help two people work out an issue. That is what they are good at. Telling them that this isn't as common as you think and that most people don't get over it, would probably be counter-productive.

[Harlowe]

I just wanted to add that I don't think there is anything wrong with your attitude about it, and I can respect that is your feeling on the matter. What I take issue with is you pushing that view as something that others would choose as well, they just haven't been in the situation to know it. Also as far as I can tell, your stats are from self-help psych's like Peggy not from actual, credible research. I don't see how Peggy Vaughn could be considered an "expert" on infidelity (other than her husband cheated on her with many women over the course of 20 years according to her site) anymore than Dr. Phil is an expert on relationships just because they write crappy self-help books and have cheesy self-help sites. I'm going to put more weight into those that do credible research.

They are both just cheesy "guru's" as far as I'm concerned (Phil & Peggy). Again, Peggy is with a man who cheated on her for MANY years (I believe over 20) with MANY different women. Of course she has an angle on this and a personal bias. Of course this woman wants to try to prove that it's all so common and most people forgive and stay together, all while making a buck on books and workshops, but the studies do not back that up. The Monogamy Myth is just the latest schmaltzy self-help book being schlocked.

And really, serious researchers do not have Dear Abby style websites.

[Embar Angylwrath]

As to the thought that people who say they will end the relationship will actually follow through with it, I point to this study:

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_q ... 1677/pg_15

However, Charny and Parnass (1995) note that the negative impact of infidelity on marriage depends on how involved partners are in their infidelity relationship, and Buunk (1987) maintains that EM relationships themselves do not cause relationship dissolution. Instead, he suggests that the overall level of relationship satisfaction, the motives attributed to infidelity, the level of conflict generated over the infidelity, and the attitudes held about long-term infidelities play significant roles in the decision to break away from a relationship. Schneider et al. (1999) report that although 60% of their study participants initially threatened to leave their primary relationship as a result of the disclosure of the infidelity, a threat to leave did not actually predict the eventual outcome: Less than one-quarter of those couples actually separated. One-half of the individuals who stayed in the relationship, despite threatening to leave, said they stayed because one or both partners were actively working on their recovery through therapy and 12-step programs. The rest were unable to take effective action, changed their minds, or decided to "give their spouse another chance" (Schneider et al., 1999, p. 282).

If I interpret this part of the study correctly, 60% of of the people who found out their spouse (or relationship partner) was in an affiar threatened to leave, but only 25% of that 60% actually did. Again, I'm not saying you wouldn't leave if it happened to you. What I am saying is, according to what I know, a statement that you would leave isn't really reliable for predicitve purposes, because most people who say they would leave the relationship over an affair actually end up staying in it, for various reasons.

[Embar Angylwrath]

Oh, Harlowe... by the way, I think the study I linked is the same study you linked.